you wished it that way, why not just stay with me?

Why can’t the world swing in my way? Ahh, shit, its so depressing, but at the same time enriching. I’ve come to a stage when I’m addicted to setbacks. They may make me sad, but without them I don’t feel right. Maybe I’ve just turned into a depressing emo shit. Oh well, don’t care.

The world’s not fair, not to anyone, and I don’t believe its been fair at all to me. So many things in life suck, but what can I do but to live with it? I’m not saying I’m happy now, I’m still irritated by so many things. But then I realize I’m gonna be stuck with these stupid shit problems for a long time.

So I cbf but to enjoy every moment while it lasts. I know I’m not exactly the best of personalities around. I know I’m not exactly the most good looking of people around, and I know I’m a total asshole. But I don’t frikkin care anymore, because if you can’t accept me for who I am then I can’t care less about what you think or say about me.

I can be nice at times, if you treat me nice, despite me being an asshole to you. Actually I can be a very nice person if I think your a very nice person too. Mistake my asshole-ness for my personality and too bad, it’ll be that way just for you.

Don’t you think that you know me through & through. Screw you, no one does, I can tell you that. So many things I’ve planned in my head, just had no chance to come out. I’ve obviously had good intentions for everyone I meet, but sometimes it just doesn’t turn out that way. Too bad, so sad, don’t cry.

Just because it seems that I’m an irritating person doesn’t mean I have no emotions. Just because I can wreck other’s with my words doesn’t mean I myself am immune to word abuse. Of course, I can plainly dismiss what you say and take it as rubbish coming out of a rubbish bin’s mouth. But if your a person I cared about, it’ll hurt, really.

This post isn’t directed at anyone. (really.) I just wanted to rant some shit out of my mouth tonight because I’m feeling really bored. No, I’m not drunk. I don’t have any more beer in my fridge, damn that.

Heres another thing I want to talk about.

Company. Sometimes, I like to be alone. Because I’m a quiet person. Don’t take me as anti-social, because I just like peace and quiet. Silence is golden. But I do appreciate nice and funny company if there is. Keep me laughing, I can’t be any more happy than that. But sometimes if I’m alone with someone, I’d rather keep quiet and enjoy the company without making any noise and unnescessary conversations. Its not that I don’t like you or don’t want to talk to you, but I appreciate the silent company more. Well, to me it proves more. Says that you aren’t beside me just to talk to me and mine information for your own good. Not that I’m saying you can’t talk to me. But to be beside me silent, shows that well, your with me. I don’t know, thats just to me. I guess, everyone has a different perspective.

Its been a long time since my heart ached. I’ve forgotten about all the rest, deliberately. I was making space, and now its empty. I’m not gonna get hurt over a girl, no, I won’t do that.

If I really suck, then I don’t deserve anyone, and hence it’ll stay that way. I’m not gonna change who I am.

Hmm.. Kinda random title, I don’t know why I wrote that anyway. But anyway. Today was boring.. I stayed at home haha. Oh well.. At least the weeks ahead will be fun. ((: I’m really looking forward to next week! Total fun action packed week. Monday’s shopping for me, Tuesday’s 1F02 outing, Wednesday to Friday’s gonna be a lot of laughter at school, Saturday’s PAINTBALL!!! Sunday’s recuperation day from paintball. HAahhaha. But fun! ((:

Lovely complex is really a good anime. The story is so real. And its one of the only few shows which can make me tear. Its really nice. You should really watch it. Mmm..

I’m happy.. that it turned out this way.

Yeah. I wonder if I should write a protected post to piss you guys off, or just rant.

Actually I think I’ll just shut up and write a protected post another day..

So many things running through my mind.

So many things to be happy about, so many burdens.

So many things I don’t know how to react to, others that have been in there for ages.

Ages? Perhaps. It seemed like ages to me. Eternity, and I’m still not over you.

Whats wrong with me. I didn’t want to dwell. But I did anyway.

I wanted to leave, but I pulled myself closer in the end.  What is wrong with me.

I’m tying myself to self-torture. But maybe its good.

Perhaps one day I’ll find real happiness. I don’t know.. at the moment happiness is only at a glance..

I’m seriously nuts. lol.

SHRINNKKKKKK! SHRIINKK!

My last paper is tomorrow. From 8am-9am. After that, its “liberty”. But, I don’t sound too ecstatic do I? Hmm. I don’t know. I don’t see anything better after the ‘O’ levels than before the ‘O’ levels. Life will still be as boring as before, maybe even more tedious with work. Perhaps you say, I don’t have to mug anymore? Well, my rebuke is, I’ve never mugged to begin with. And anyway, its not as if I don’t ever have to study again, I still have studies next year, and next next year, and the year after that, and my education just goes on. What kind of boundry is this? Just because you have already sat for your set of ‘O’ level examinations, doesn’t really mean you don’t have to study anymore. If you go to a Junior College your going to have to mug as hard, no, maybe even twice as hard as in secondary school. Then again, I’m going to a Polytechnic, but still, theres still work involved.

Thus, I don’t see why everyone is so elated that the ‘O’ levels are finally over, I mean, if your going to work, it only means more stress. Somehow.. I’m not really looking forward to the future. Anyway. If you feel obliged to, please feel free to correct my thinking, in any way you want, be it commenting, or be it stalking me, or even murdering me. I don’t really care. (:

p.s. I don’t care if you(the readers) read my posts or not, or you visit my blogs to see pictures(which are inexistant on my blog.), I’m just posting this post to vent my feelings.

Maybe I’m disappointed. With myself, with all my friends, or whatever you call them. Perhaps I don’t feel appreciated for what I’ve been doing, perhaps I’ve been doing too much. Or maybe I’m just expecting too much of everyone, even myself. Maybe its all my fault, I’m just over-reacting. Over-reacting at the fact that I don’t feel loved. I don’t know, theres so much maybe’s and perhap’s. Maybe I should just shut up. But thats only going to accelerate my condition.

Maybe I blame the people around me for letting me get into such a state I’m in now. Perhaps if they had done something, then I wouldn’t have gotten this far. I realise I’ve strayed from the path I was on, and that I’m lost, suddenly, in the middle of no-where. Maybe I’m playing tricks on myself, maybe I’m playing tricks on other people, but I’m certain that many people are playing tricks on me. Sure, use me like a tissue paper. But I’m disgusted at the way you do it. You use it over and over again, wiping that crap from your nose, using it till it gets all full of your crap, then throw it away. Thats just disgusting. I’m ashamed at myself for even knowing people like you. Feeling guilty? Oh thats fine, your not alone. Join the club, the whole bunch of them. I’m so glad that I have a club after me. Not a fan-club, not a hate-club, but a make-use-of-then-diss-off-club. I’m feeling soooo proud. Thank you all.

Still reading? Not? I thought so too. Your just skipping through the whole post aren’t you. Why would you bother to read the stuff I write? And don’t you dare comment about how sorry you all are or whatever crap. I don’t want your apologies, I don’t want you to swear. Who you are has made who I am. A person filled with hatred, pain, and most of all, nothingness! I’m apparently just an empty shell with a few gigabytes of brainspace to store in the shit we learn in school. Thats about all, isn’t it? Theres nothing great about me, I’m just a sucka who falls for your idiotic ways. Oh so sorry, I’m not scolding any one of you, I’m just highlighting that I’m so fed up with my life, and that I’ve quite really given up. Thats about it.

And I’ve only got one thing left to say.
Oohhhh. YOU JUST WAIT.